i gave up on nostalgia a few years ago - i don't remember why that was though- i think it had something to do with a boy things didn't work out with - i think what followed was a complete upheaval of my philosophy of life, and the adoption of a brand new way to face the world. living for the moment, no looking back on what had passed, dancing like no one's watching, focussing on the present and the present alone, carpe diem, and all that jazz. no time for nostalgia. no time for sentiment. no time to think or analyse. no time for introspection or retrospection. keep moving, that's all. keep moving and smiling. i locked away old photographs, i put away old letters and cards, i deleted old texts, i pushed memories to the deepest depths of my mind. i read The Prophet, i watched The Prophet, and i began life anew.
but life' s a funny thing...it throws back at you people you'd never thought you'd meet again. friends you'd lost who become friends again. Home you'd left that becomes comfortable again. Satisfaction you compromised on, that becomes yours again. Strangers and good conversation that make a dull month interesting again. But life's a funny thing...it doesn't give without taking a little something away...
I don't think i've ever spent the countdown to the new year reflecting- i've always been too busy planning out how i'm going to celebrate. But this year's going to be different. I think i'm beginning to feel a wee bit nostalgic. And I'm not going to fight it.
2008 has been the fastest year of my life.
But it's been the slowest in many ways. There have been too many questions, too many doubts; has been too much uncertainty. i seem to have forgotten what i want from life. i've felt like i'm star of an ekta kapoor K serial for too many months now. i don't know whether i've brought it upon myself or whether it was inevitable or whether i've made a mountain out of a molehill. i don't know whether it's because i've analysed everything to its very soul and ripped it apart in the process. i don't know whether its because i've got so accustomed to restraining myself that i can't let go anymore. i've got so used to digging out the negatives, that i can't recognize the positives. am i so fixed in my views and desires - so fixed on my idea of the ideal - that i can't appreciate anything besides? is it really always my way or the highway? have i actually forgotten how to think like a youngster because i don't want to be a child? Why am i not entirely happy? why do i feel like something's missing? why is there the feeling that there's something just not clicking into place? why doesn't it feel perfect? am i the one standing in the way of my own happiness?
but i'm not like this with anyone else. i'm what you want me to be with you; what i want to be with you. but i can't seem to be- i hate the person i become when i am with you. But there are the good times too. Eating at every restaurant around, sipping coffee at every cafe around, downing cocktails at every club around, walking down every street around, lounging around on every patch of green in sight, shopping at every mall in the city, sitting in every movie hall in the city, travelling in a million cabs, getting fleeced in every ride. The rain, the scorching heat, the ruthless humidity, the dust and the dirt and the fumes and the pollution; the smell of jalebis and singharas and chowmein and biryani. The tears and the anguish, the mindless laughter and the stupidity. Ah yes, there have been the good times.
Work's been a bitch at times, bliss at others. Have met people from all over the world, spoken to a thousand, if not more, odd people, and made friends of a few of them. Been there for the confused, encouraged the confident, yelled at the disinterested, scoffed at the arrogant, made PC, made more than PC, said too much, said the wrong things at the wrong time, haven't said enough, fought for myself, taken shit, kicked ass, made an impression, disappointed some, slogged for others, felt appreciated, felt like furniture, checked out, been checked out, flirted, admonished, groaned, abused, hated with all my heart and made a good time of it. Yeah, work's been a bitch at times, bliss at others.
So, the year ends...and I end it with a toast:
to closures and new beginnings
to old friendships and those new
to lessons learned to home; to family
to good conversation and good coffee
to the laughter and the tears
to the hope and the disappointment
to anticipation
to accomplishments
to bosses and colleagues - the good, the bad, and the ugly
to moments and memories
to the music and the lyrics
to arguments and making-up
to a joke shared, and group hugs
to the new restaurants we've discovered, the new clubs we've hung out at, the new cafe's we've haunted, the new music playing on our i-pods, the new books we've read, the new places we've visited
And the old.
to the people who make us smile and make each day worthwhile
to change
to moving on
to promotions; to placements
to pleasant surprises
to holidays
to FM and world-space
to facebook and gmail
to reunions
to heartache (because it makes us stronger)
to failure (because it makes us wiser)
to the person i am and the person i want to be.
to life as we know it, and life as it could be.
Bottoms up!
To a new year, a new start.
